Why?

Why running?

I ran casually as a teenager, then took up skydiving and had a bad landing, causing stress fractures in my shins. After that, running was horribly painful and it was easy to quit. I had never seen myself as much as an athlete, anyway, so it wasn't like I had lost my identity or anything. For many years, I just barely "got by" fitness-wise; I wasn't a complete lump, but close to it. I walked a little but not far and not fast - as soon as it got hard, I bailed.

When we started fertility treatments, I was thrilled when my doctor told me to take it easy and forbade strenuous exercise. I took "strenuous" to mean anything harder than a stroll to the refrigerator. See, taking fertility drugs (especially the shots) cause multiple eggs to mature in the ovaries at one time which causes the ovaries to enlarge and strenuous exercise can cause the ovaries to twist or rupture. I would typically get terribly bloated during treatments and experience a great deal of pain, so I wasn't missing exercise at all. After a few treatments, I got pregnant but lost our baby girl at the end of the first trimester. The ensuing depression led to almost complete "hermitdom" and lots of emotional eating. We kept up the hormone shots and treatments and I watched my waistline expand. We got pregnant again, only to lose our little boy. Finally, after 4 years of fertility drugs and treatments, we decided to stop and pursue adoption, but Jon asked if we could do one more cycle of drugs and IUIs. Again we got pregnant, this time with twins. I was put on bedrest, but eventually lost one baby. Bedrest was a total food-fest, the higher calories the better and I kept gaining, eventually putting on 44 lbs over the course of the pregnancy on my 5'1" body. After a bout of preeclampsia and hospitalization, Geneva was born healthy and strong, the month after my 40th birthday! I had my baby!

Fast forward 2 years. We continued to try to get pregnant, but without any drugs or procedures (I was still breastfeeding). Finally we decided that we already had our miracle baby and we should stop trying - I was 42 and had never gotten pregnant naturally, anyway. This was a hard dream to give up - I so desperately wanted another baby and Geneva had started talking about wanting a baby sister. However, we knew that in order to give ourselves the best chance to get pregnant, we would have to start the treatments again, and we weren't willing to take the time/energy/money away from Geneva.

I had my yearly ob appointment and was horrified that I was only about 20 lbs less than when I gave birth! That was it. I bought a jogging stroller and started walking every day. At first, it took me over 20 minutes to go a mile. Within a month or so, we were walking 3 miles a day, faster and faster. The weight started to come off. I read about C25K and decided that it sounded like something Jon and I could do. At first we would only run on the treadmill as both of us were too embarrassed to run outside. I'll never forget the first time I could run for 3 minutes! Soon I started running outside, but only early in the morning so nobody would see me. The night before the 20 minute run I was a nervous wreck - what a rush when I finished it! I signed Jon and I up for a 5K which would coincide with our C25K graduation. In a way, running was helping me deal with the pain of giving up on getting pregnant, and I found myself needing the "fix" of the run.

The week before the C25K graduation, I had a weird suspicion. I had been feeling yucky - really tired and sick. I was also late. At first I thought I was seeing signs of perimenopause, but decided to take a pregnancy test to rule everything out...and I got 2 pink lines. The second test was positive, too. We couldn't believe it! Jon kept saying it was a fairytale ending to our story and I believed it - I was 42 and infertile! Could this be possible?!?! We had weekly ultrasounds and the little one was growing right on target. We were thrilled, and Geneva was so excited. The only hiccup had been that as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I immediately stopped nursing her because of the risk of miscarriage. It was devastating for both of us. She would tearfully ask me "Mama, you gonna make more mama milk for me?" and I would just cry.

We went in for another routine ultrasound and discovered that the baby's heart had stopped, probably just within the previous 24 hours. That same horrible, overwhelming feeling of loss just washed over me, the feeling that I was so familiar with. We opted for a D&C and had the surgery the next day. For some reason, this one was harder than the other surgeries and I lost a lot of blood and it took a while to recover. I started running about a month later - it helped me cope with the pain. I was so angry, too, and a good, hard run was better than screaming at everyone around me. I had to back up a couple of weeks from where I had been, but I was able to complete C25K around the end of October 2008.

I ran my first 5K at the end of October and had a poor showing, but I didn't care, because I ran a race! In December I ran a cold, snowy 34:37 5K which was FAST for me then! I just didn't stop. I was doing this for me, for my daughter, for all my babies who didn't live. I run in snowstorms, in rain, in the dark. I run during rush hour and everyone can see me - and I don't care. I run to prove something to myself and to those around me. I run because on those dark, painful days I need to run to feel alive. Running is therapy, bliss, agony, hard, easy, fun, torture, pain, and joy. Running lets my mind relax. When I run, I am no longer the sum of myself, but I just AM - for that moment, the past and future don't exist. I can now run a sub-30:00 5K (barely) and can run for 10 miles without stopping. My body is stronger now than it was 20 years ago. Running has opened my eyes to things that I can accomplish and I will forever be grateful.